Closeted "____________"

             In the closet. Out of the closet. Two phrases that have only gained meaning in the last century, if not even more recently. The truth about myself is that I am bisexual. It has taken me years to come to grips with that and I still admit that I am not even close to being strong enough to fully admit it to myself. I've gone through periods of my life when I say to myself that I am straight, or I am gay, but the truth is that I am bisexual, which is such a complicated thing. But what makes it even more complicated is that I come from a very devout Christian family, Christian high school, and now am attending a Christian college. All three are very sure that homosexuality is a sin. They aren't homophobic, and they don't hate gays, but they "hate the sin itself." I know that if I told my family or my friends it would turn my world upside down. And the truth is that I don't want that to happen. Honestly if I could choose the course of my life from here on I would settle down with a beautiful girl and raise a family with her, and my family would go on loving me and caring for me as they always have. But none of that even sounds possible... I have had multiple public relationships with guys, even to the point where in high school I was one of the most popular girls with the boys. But even in something so simple as kissing I never felt like I was getting the best, until I had my first (very very private) relationship with a girl in my senior year of high school. When we kissed I felt a new electricity that I had never felt before, the touch of her lips felt perfect to me like I was made to kiss her. So why, you might ask, do I then say that I am bisexual, doesn't it sound like I might just be lesbian completely? The truth is... I have no idea. I still feel emotionally attached to one guy especially that I dated in high school which makes me feel like I am not completely lesbian, if I can still have those feelings for a guy. But at the same time, if I were given the choice between spending the rest of my life with a guy or a girl (my family's reaction not a factor) I would definitely choose a girl. So the purpose of this blog is mostly as of right now while I have literally no one looking at it, to just have somewhere I can write out my thoughts but know people can still read them. I also want to have the chance to get to know people who are going through the same thing, being a Christian and dealing with being bisexual or lesbian. The truth is I am so jealous of girls who I see on Youtube or on their blogs who share their coming out stories, because honestly... I don't think I will ever have one.