Break

Wow. So...break is crazy! Not in the 'doing so much stuff' way but just in the 'there's so much extra time' way. It's weird not having friends around all the time, or schoolwork to do. It turns out I have so much more time to stop and think when it's break, 4 weeks to stop and think!! I guess when you have a ton of free time you realize the things you enjoy/are into more because you actually have time to think about them.

Another weird thing about break is that you see all your friends who are still in high school. I had a lot of friends who were younger than me so they are still in school where I graduated. And between school events/parties/and basketball games, I've been seeing a lot of people. But the hard thing is that they have all moved on socially and have new adjusted friend groups. And one of my best friends from high school, a guy, who is the one I talked about before that I was basically in love with for 4 years and can't quite get over, is finally dating now, a hot blonde chick who is no good for him. But he's all over her so of course he has no time to hang out with me.

So most of my time has been spent with my family or watching movies/TV shows which I actually don't mind, it's really relaxing which is what break is supposed to be!! :) I also find myself thinking about girls a lot more, though. There isn't pressure from friends to talk about boys or anything, so I just think about girls. I've been thinking about the girl I had a fling with my senior year of high school. We never really ended anything we just kind of let it hang, when we left for college. She has talked about visiting me at college and I really hope she does, although I have no idea what it would be like. We were never really emotionally involved, at least I wasn't. It was just physical. I think it was a little more emotional for her though, so we'll see how everything turns out. I couldn't date her though because there was, like I said, no real emotional attachment on my part. I've also been thinking about 2 girls at college, they are straighter than a ruler, but I think they are a little intrigued that I have kissed a girl before. They are pretty touchy, and I can't say I don't like it or anything ;) But I could never ever come on to them, because, like I said, they are soooo straight.

Anyway...that's all I got for you guys right now :P

Looking a little rough in today's peace out picture... no make up, rockin' the ponytail. But I wouldn't want to let you guys down or anything!! :)

rough peace out ;)

Media

One thing I have noticed recently is how much of an effect media had on me discovering I was a lesbian. Just the fact that instead of solely having to deal with figuring out my relationships with other people, I was able to observe other relationships also. I remember when I first saw t.A.T.u. videos on Youtube was when I first felt like, wow... I really like them for some reason and I can't put my finger on it!

t.A.T.u.

Later on, I further realized myself when I saw Marissa's new relationship in the O.C., with Alex.

Marissa and Alex (The O.C.)

Then I realized what was going on, I realized what exactly I liked about these girls and why I felt like I related to them on a deep level. I then began to watch all sorts of movies and Youtube videos just looking for some small amount of satisfaction at least watching other people be happy in the way I wanted to be. Bloomington, Loving Annabelle, Elena Undone, these are just a sample of all of the movies I found and became almost addicted to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I really appreciate everything in the media, at least for me. But at the same time, I'm worried that because I am able to watch other people be happy I'm not trying to live happily enough myself, sort of like I'm living vicariously through characters in movies, celebrities, and happy people on Youtube. I have to get myself out there somehow, I just don't know how...


Peace Out! Love to all <3

Who Am I??

This is a question that I ask at least subconsciously every single day. Who am I? What am I doing? Up until now it's always been I am a Christian teenager who goes to Christian school and plays lots of sports and loves music, etc... But now, what am I? I'm a Christian. Despite all the hardship and the lessened amounts of time that I spend praying or thinking about God, I still know I am a Christian. I am a student. This part hasn't changed, although the school I go to has. I love college, but it's very different. My life really is so different than it was a year ago, my worldview has been opened up so much. And I am into girls. This part is so so hard for me. I have no idea how it fits in with all the other stuff, what does it make me? I feel like I have to give something up if I want to be myself. Either I give up my faith which just isn't an option for me, it's not worth giving up my belief in God just to be able to do what I want. But... is that all that being gay is? Doing what I want? I want to fall in love, I want to have what Kaelyn and Lucy have! ;)

 (check them out on Youtube if you don't know who I mean.) I want that kind of happiness in a stable relationship, but guys just don't do it for me. I guess as of right now, being single, the decision isn't right on top of me yet. But if I ever meet someone new which I hope I do, I will have to get all of this sorted out somehow...

Love to all :)

Chely Wright

This is gonna be a super quick entry, sorry! Anyone know this girl?

I sure do! It's Chely Wright, an openly gay female country singer, she came out in 2010. This is a link to her story, check it out!

Chely Wright Interview

 It is so inspirational, and one thing that caught my eye was her saying she was a Christian. I'm also a Christian and struggling with the moral implications of being a lesbian has haunted me since I first realized my sexuality. She's one of those people I really wish I could just sit down and have a chat with! Oh well :(

Anyway, hope everyone had a good Christmas! Love to all.

Peace Out.

Merry Christmas!!

Howdy, blog friends! :)
Merry Christmas to all of you!! We had a great Christmas here, I think the dogs had an even better time than we did ;) Christmas is definitely one of my favorite days of the year, everyone (at least in my family) is happy, we do lots of things together and just have a good time. So far we did our present-opening, then had brunch, now we are just hanging out before we go out! We're heading to see Les Mis  =)

Love her ;)

 Then we're going to friends' house for dinner and games...one of the family members happens to be a guy that I have had a fair amount of baggage with so we'll see how that all works out. Last night we had a Christmas Eve service at my church and on the way back home from the party afterwards I came so close to telling my mom I was into girls. I have no idea where it came from, completely out of the blue. I didn't though... but it made me think that someday I might have the courage to tell her after all.

Love to all!!!!
Peace Out.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Ellen

So... I'm pretty sure I may have this in common with every lesbian girl ever...


I. Love. Ellen.

THIS GIRL!!!

She was some of my best inspiration when I was first learning that I was into girls. She is fearless. The way that she came out before it was even REMOTELY culturally acceptable inspires me beyond belief. I love watching her videos, she is funny, yet I have a deeper appreciation for her as someone who boldly stands up for gay rights and who suffered a lot of persecution at the beginning when she came out. Here's her interview with Barbara Walters:

 I truly believe that she paved the way for now, when even though it is difficult to come out to specific people (my family for instance...), the world really is becoming more accepting of the LGBT community. Anyway... just wanted to share that :)

My I love Ellen face. Made especially awkward by the fact that I was trying to take this picture with my elbow so I could use both of my hands to make the heart. Anyway... **awkard...**

Christmas Eve love to all!! Peace out <3

Christmas Eve!!! :)

Merry Christmas Eve!!
How did this come so fast?!?! I have no idea... But I'm excited! Somehow managed to get all my presents for my family between getting home from school last week and today, now I just have to wrap everything. Amber and Sawyer are sooo excited! Just kidding...pretty sure they have no idea what's going on. But anyway, don't have a lot of time, my mom needs my help with something or other, but I just wanted to post something to say hi today ;) So...hi!
<3<3<3

PEACE OUUUUUUUUT! <3

Words from Martha Graham...

I love this quote:

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others”

It's unique. Yours is yours. Mine is mine. No matter who you are, what you look like, what activities you like, your sexual orientation, whatever. You have a life force, an energy that is completely and utterly yours. I'm a hypocrite if I tell you not to let that be squashed, because mine is every day. So I will just let Martha tell both of us together :) 

PEACE OUT HOMIES! <3

Meet my girls! ;)

Hey heyyy y'all! I'm pretty bored right now...

my pouty face...

 so I'm gonna introduce you to my puppies ;)

AMBER!!!!

SAWYER!!!!

<3 them so much :)

Comment!!
Peace Out.

A Quick Note....

This is just a quick one:

If you happen to know me in person and stumble upon this blog, all I ask is that you please please please come talk to me about it in person. I'm really not ready for people in my community to know these things about me and I would just really appreciate it if you would talk to me before telling anyone else about the things you find here. Thanks <3<3

Frieeeeends =)

Friends are seriously... the most amazing thing in the world. I can't even begin to describe the influence that my friends have had on me. I am thankful for a great group of girlfriends (just friends :P) from high school who I know love me, and also a fantastic group of new friends at college that I am loving getting to know better, some of them I admire so much already, they are great girls. I am also really close to my family, although we have had our fair share of struggles recently. My dad had to move out, so now it is just my mom and my two amazing sisters and I. We have grown closer through all of it, but I have a hole in my heart where our family used to be... Sometimes I think to myself, why can't I tell all my great friends or my family that I like girls? Then I realize I've always known the answer to that question... we are a Christian family. Homosexuality is viewed as a sin. Like I said in my last post, my family doesn't hate gay people or anything, but they hate the "sin" of homosexuality. I guess I just don't understand why God would make me like this if it were wrong. I keep looking for answers and I can't find any. Honestly... I really just need a friend, someone who knows what I'm going through, and is or has gone through a similar thing in their life. I'm struggling...

Closeted "____________"

             In the closet. Out of the closet. Two phrases that have only gained meaning in the last century, if not even more recently. The truth about myself is that I am bisexual. It has taken me years to come to grips with that and I still admit that I am not even close to being strong enough to fully admit it to myself. I've gone through periods of my life when I say to myself that I am straight, or I am gay, but the truth is that I am bisexual, which is such a complicated thing. But what makes it even more complicated is that I come from a very devout Christian family, Christian high school, and now am attending a Christian college. All three are very sure that homosexuality is a sin. They aren't homophobic, and they don't hate gays, but they "hate the sin itself." I know that if I told my family or my friends it would turn my world upside down. And the truth is that I don't want that to happen. Honestly if I could choose the course of my life from here on I would settle down with a beautiful girl and raise a family with her, and my family would go on loving me and caring for me as they always have. But none of that even sounds possible... I have had multiple public relationships with guys, even to the point where in high school I was one of the most popular girls with the boys. But even in something so simple as kissing I never felt like I was getting the best, until I had my first (very very private) relationship with a girl in my senior year of high school. When we kissed I felt a new electricity that I had never felt before, the touch of her lips felt perfect to me like I was made to kiss her. So why, you might ask, do I then say that I am bisexual, doesn't it sound like I might just be lesbian completely? The truth is... I have no idea. I still feel emotionally attached to one guy especially that I dated in high school which makes me feel like I am not completely lesbian, if I can still have those feelings for a guy. But at the same time, if I were given the choice between spending the rest of my life with a guy or a girl (my family's reaction not a factor) I would definitely choose a girl. So the purpose of this blog is mostly as of right now while I have literally no one looking at it, to just have somewhere I can write out my thoughts but know people can still read them. I also want to have the chance to get to know people who are going through the same thing, being a Christian and dealing with being bisexual or lesbian. The truth is I am so jealous of girls who I see on Youtube or on their blogs who share their coming out stories, because honestly... I don't think I will ever have one.