Friday, February 22, 2013

Boyfriend?!?!

Well, here we go again... I'm in the process of getting a new boyfriend. Why you might ask? I guess I like inflicting torture on my own personal emotional wellbeing! But seriously, there is a guy at my school who is really nice and I've been spending a lot of time with. He likes me, and to our friends it's just like 100% obvious that we're going to date. So... I think I'll end up dating him. And this brings up a whole new issue... dating guys while you're in the closet. Honestly, I'd be fine not dating any guys ever again, but it's so important for me to keep up the straight image, like... so important. If I never date, people start to get suspicious and at least try to understand what's going on. I'm gay people! So suck it up! I honestly wonder a lot about how my life will turn out. Sadly, I think I know what's going to happen. I'm going to find a guy at college, marry him, have a job and kids and a nice house and do lots of fun adventurous things with my family, make sure my kids are totally punk awesome, but no one will ever know who I really am. I'm scared I'll get married and just never have the courage to tell anyone. Then I'll basically be doing what my dad did...and I'm not my dad. This is nothing like him, and I don't want to do that. I just don't know how to avoid it happening... and here I am getting a boyfriend, it's starting...

Email with comments/questions, I love getting requests for new posts!!

peace out loves :)

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Stereotypes

Alright, this is something that just has to be talked about... stereotypes plague lesbians every single day and it sucks. So here's a list of 5 things I don't like about lesbian stereotypes:

1) Short Hair
                      Really people? This one is so played out. Maybe 20 years ago this worked, but short hair is in for girls and honestly it doesn't tell squat about a person's sexual orientation. I know a lot of straight girls who have really short hair and there isn't an ounce of lesbian in them, and the other way around, lesbian girls with long hair, it's becoming more and more common every day.

2) Stereotypes box in closeted lesbians.
                       I experience this every day. Because of all the stereotypes, I feel conflicted about how I should look and act. I try to put on a bit of a lesbian air so if there are any other lesbians at my college they might catch on and be interested, but not so much that girls I know catch on. It's a fine line. But still, the fact that I feel the need at all says that something is wrong when we're stereotyping people into boxes.

3) You get it wrong...
                       Honestly, probably more than 50% of the time people try to use "gaydar" they're wrong... I mean just look at Lara in The L Word! Shane has the best gaydar in town and gets her wrong. I think people who think they have gaydar are just on the lookout for stereotypes, nothing more.

4) Rebels.
               Now this one is rough for me, because I am a rebel and a lesbian so I actually fit this stereotype. But the only reason it worked out like that is because I come from a Christian home so me knowing I'm gay puts a little space between me and my family which over time has just made people see me as a rebel even if they don't know why. But the truth is, thankfully, the world is gradually becoming more and more open to homosexuality. As this is happening, parents are starting to be so much more accepting of their children and their childrens' sexuality. This means that even the good girl who does absolutely everything her mom ever tells her could be an open lesbian. The world is changing folks.

5) We hate boys.
              I can't stand this one. The truth is I love boys I just don't want to have sex with them! I love being friends with boys, I even have fun flirting with them, but what makes me a lesbian is that at the end of the day I have no real desire to settle down or have an emotional attraction with a guy, like I do with a girl. But we don't all hate guys! Some of my absolute best friends are boys and they are fantastic.


So all that to say, stop it with the stereotypes! Enough is enough, people, the world is growing up, you should grow up with it. I mean seriously...if stereotypes were true, how in the WORLD would P!nk be straight?!?!?!



That's all for today. Love you guys so much!!

Peace out.



Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sigh...

Life.
Wow.
What a mess.
I don't even know.
What in the world am I doing?
I just want somebody in my life to love.


Life has pretty much sucked since I got back to college. It's sorority pledge for the next two weeks and my friends all got really bitchy which totally sucks. I've pretty much just been flying solo just putting my focus on schoolwork (which...let's be real. It's the first 2 weeks back from break...is there any schoolwork?!?) I honestly just want all this to end, I'm so over it. I just want everything to be over. I can't wait to be out of college, or more specifically, this college, so I can finally find somewhere I can be myself. I wonder every day if there actually will be a day when I come out to my family, but I doubt it. I just need to live far enough away that I can completely be myself and love the people I want to love, but close enough so that I still feel connected to my family... is that even possible?

Anyway, my advice for today would definitely be YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This is the absolutely most cliche phrase that gay people tell others who are going through a rough time, but honestly it is so so so true. I am here, I love talking to you guys and encouraging you, through my email cracking.knuckles@gmail.com. We are all going through rough times, it's hard for everyone. And it doesn't necessarily stop after you do all the things you think will make it better. Like, if you think all I have to do is ________ and then it'll finally be perfect and I'll be happy, chances are it's not going to work like that. Better to just look for the good things in the situation you're in now, be excited for the future, but don't put unfair hope onto it, you know? I guess I should listen to my own advice a little! ;)

I love you all so much, please give feedback, I love it! Follow me on twitter, aburlewfyi. (A note...I'm not out on that account, so don't expect any posts about being a lesbian or anything, but I still love posting and I would love to follow some of you guys too!) Email me at the address above.

Love to all.
PEACE OUT LOVES!



Saturday, January 19, 2013

So long...

Hey bloggers! I am SO sorry! I totally slacked off. The truth is I just got into the lazy break spirit and forgot to post. But I miss all of you guys! I love hearing from you, if you have any questions or anything feel free to email me at cracking.knuckles@gmail.com! I love helping you all out in any way that I can, or just getting to know you better!

Lately I have really felt pressured to talk to my mom about being gay. I don't know what it is but it's almost like I'm scared that sometime I'm just going to come out and say it then all of a sudden my world will be upside down and I'll have to live with the consequences.

One thing that bugs me is feeling like if/when I come out, people will think it is because of my dad. He moved out over a year ago because he struggled with homosexuality and hadn't told my mom about it. Anyway, it's been a huge struggle for my family. I just feel like my struggles have nothing to do with my dads. I knew I liked girls long before I knew anything about my dad. Plus, girls liking girls is totally different than guys liking guys, I don't like being lumped together because they are just completely different relationships! I just want to be my own person, I don't want coming out to make myself look like my dad.

Anyway, that post was super random but I miss you guys so I just felt like rambling. Email me if you have any suggestions for new blog posts!

Peace out.  And I know... lookin a little rough in the picture. Haha...I'm going back to school tomorrow and have basically just been lying around rocking the gross ponytail all day. :P


Monday, December 31, 2012

Break

Wow. So...break is crazy! Not in the 'doing so much stuff' way but just in the 'there's so much extra time' way. It's weird not having friends around all the time, or schoolwork to do. It turns out I have so much more time to stop and think when it's break, 4 weeks to stop and think!! I guess when you have a ton of free time you realize the things you enjoy/are into more because you actually have time to think about them.

Another weird thing about break is that you see all your friends who are still in high school. I had a lot of friends who were younger than me so they are still in school where I graduated. And between school events/parties/and basketball games, I've been seeing a lot of people. But the hard thing is that they have all moved on socially and have new adjusted friend groups. And one of my best friends from high school, a guy, who is the one I talked about before that I was basically in love with for 4 years and can't quite get over, is finally dating now, a hot blonde chick who is no good for him. But he's all over her so of course he has no time to hang out with me.

So most of my time has been spent with my family or watching movies/TV shows which I actually don't mind, it's really relaxing which is what break is supposed to be!! :) I also find myself thinking about girls a lot more, though. There isn't pressure from friends to talk about boys or anything, so I just think about girls. I've been thinking about the girl I had a fling with my senior year of high school. We never really ended anything we just kind of let it hang, when we left for college. She has talked about visiting me at college and I really hope she does, although I have no idea what it would be like. We were never really emotionally involved, at least I wasn't. It was just physical. I think it was a little more emotional for her though, so we'll see how everything turns out. I couldn't date her though because there was, like I said, no real emotional attachment on my part. I've also been thinking about 2 girls at college, they are straighter than a ruler, but I think they are a little intrigued that I have kissed a girl before. They are pretty touchy, and I can't say I don't like it or anything ;) But I could never ever come on to them, because, like I said, they are soooo straight.

Anyway...that's all I got for you guys right now :P

Looking a little rough in today's peace out picture... no make up, rockin' the ponytail. But I wouldn't want to let you guys down or anything!! :)

rough peace out ;)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Media

One thing I have noticed recently is how much of an effect media had on me discovering I was a lesbian. Just the fact that instead of solely having to deal with figuring out my relationships with other people, I was able to observe other relationships also. I remember when I first saw t.A.T.u. videos on Youtube was when I first felt like, wow... I really like them for some reason and I can't put my finger on it!

t.A.T.u.
Later on, I further realized myself when I saw Marissa's new relationship in the O.C., with Alex.

Marissa and Alex (The O.C.)
Then I realized what was going on, I realized what exactly I liked about these girls and why I felt like I related to them on a deep level. I then began to watch all sorts of movies and Youtube videos just looking for some small amount of satisfaction at least watching other people be happy in the way I wanted to be. Bloomington, Loving Annabelle, Elena Undone, these are just a sample of all of the movies I found and became almost addicted to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I really appreciate everything in the media, at least for me. But at the same time, I'm worried that because I am able to watch other people be happy I'm not trying to live happily enough myself, sort of like I'm living vicariously through characters in movies, celebrities, and happy people on Youtube. I have to get myself out there somehow, I just don't know how...


Peace Out! Love to all <3


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Who Am I??

This is a question that I ask at least subconsciously every single day. Who am I? What am I doing? Up until now it's always been I am a Christian teenager who goes to Christian school and plays lots of sports and loves music, etc... But now, what am I? I'm a Christian. Despite all the hardship and the lessened amounts of time that I spend praying or thinking about God, I still know I am a Christian. I am a student. This part hasn't changed, although the school I go to has. I love college, but it's very different. My life really is so different than it was a year ago, my worldview has been opened up so much. And I am into girls. This part is so so hard for me. I have no idea how it fits in with all the other stuff, what does it make me? I feel like I have to give something up if I want to be myself. Either I give up my faith which just isn't an option for me, it's not worth giving up my belief in God just to be able to do what I want. But... is that all that being gay is? Doing what I want? I want to fall in love, I want to have what Kaelyn and Lucy have! ;)



 (check them out on Youtube if you don't know who I mean.) I want that kind of happiness in a stable relationship, but guys just don't do it for me. I guess as of right now, being single, the decision isn't right on top of me yet. But if I ever meet someone new which I hope I do, I will have to get all of this sorted out somehow...

Love to all :)